Follow your dreams... to where?

   I consider myself to be a very motivated person.  I am not shy about wanting something and going after it with all my might, even if it doesn’t seem logical or healthy at first. A good percentage of my life online is spent reading/watching/following people who are passionate about things and aren’t afraid of pursuing what they love, some of them at a dubiously young age.  When I see those people I think “wow, great! I’m like that! So if I don’t give up I too can be successful!”

   Problem is, I don’t know what I’m passionate about. Or what I want to do. Feels like I’m drawing a bow and aiming really hard, at a target that doesn’t exist. I’m not scared of hard work, I thrive on it in fact, I just don’t know towards what or where to direct that hard work. 

   A few posts ago, I responded to Bryarly Bishop’s post about this sort of thing; what dogoal oriented people do when there is no clear defined goal? And here I am struggling with it over and over again. I have just landed a shiny new job, which on the second day I’ve grown to hate. I don’t make enough money, I don’t feel stimulated intellectually or creatively and yet there’s nothing better on the horizon so I’m gonna stay.

It would be easy for me to leave, look for another job, start my own thing. Pursue the career I’ve always wanted. Except for knowing what that is. If I go back as far as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a writer, a scientist, a lawyer, a producer, a diplomat amongst many other things. Now at the ripe age of 22 with the world ahead of me, wind beneath my wings and the power of the internet to keep me cruising, I don’t know where I want to go.

It is a little frustrating to see 19 year old YouTubers with defined careers and a growing empire, because they had the guts to do what they wanted and are good enough to make money out of it. Do I want to be a YouTuber then? Not really.

What should be an easy thing becomes so complicated. I should know this. Its a test about me and I don’t have the answers. It's like when people want to give advice about your life and they say "just be yourself", well newsflash if I knew who "myself"was I wouldn't need to ask for your advice! So for now I’ll stick with being an executive assistant and I’ll hate waking up every morning. At some point I’ll figure it out what it is I love to do, right?

M.